Chaos stirs around me.

It took me 7 years or may be more to accept the fact that I am suffering from an anxiety disorder. And these 7 years felt like ages to me. It was the exact same moment when I realized that anxiety was more than a word; it’s a feeling of being trapped in a black hole.

 I have hit the rock bottom and cursed myself for every bad thing happened in my life. I have blamed myself in every possible way for all the failures I have faced in this time span. My tranquility was killed and woefully, no one was there for me to save me from cataclysmic thoughts. I have written this phrase somewhere in my diary:

“My thoughts infest a storm in my mind and pain cradle my words away; leave them nowhere screaming for freedom. You may feel completely healed but the next day the scent of breeze reminds you of everything and you breathe pain so freshly which rips your soul into pieces once again. You forget pain one day, and the next day your soul screams into every vein of yours, paralyzing you, begging you to be angry again with yourself and everyone around you.”

I cried for sleep every night and hoped that when I woke up this nightmare shall pass. I implored my soul to take me where the sun is shining, where the air, up in the skies, is in my eyes and I will valorously fly to where quietude is hiding somewhere in the sky. But I woke up every single morning, carried the same burden, felt a stabbing pain in my chest, hoped that someone could share my weight and I will be buoyant for some time. The grey clouds kept coming my way and my heart was serenading out of my chest. I had to walk with heavy feet, give myself a pat on the back in order to break the loop. I had to sing myself the song of hope to wait for the night so I can cry for sleep again. The only thing which kept me going was this phrase:

“Darkness, the truest darkness, isn’t the absence of light. It is the conviction that the light will never return. But the light always returns to show us things familiar. It shows us new possibilities and challenges us to pursue them. The darkness is deep and seemed to swallow all hope. But the light is always here to remind us that the hope is real that you can see it. All you have to do is look, up in the sky.”

I am still lost in the forest without a map. I’m still weak, broken with fears, cowering in darkness, hiding from the storm. I’m still waiting for the light to come back and show me the way to live. I’m still dying to get that rain that’ll wash away my pain.

I am still hoping that someday I will be strong again.

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